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How to Have a Hard Conversation

Posted on by Erin Risner
Camp Fire Alabama

Conflict isn’t fun. Hard conversations can feel like a gut-punch, so most of us do everything we can to avoid them. But in the end, avoidance isn’t good for us, or our relationships.

The good news? There are healthy ways to handle conflict and hard conversations. Anyone can learn them. None of us will become experts overnight, but we can start now to learn how to have better conversations…and better conflict resolution. (Remember that growth mindset!)

Like we teach our Camp Fire youth, not every hard conversation will turn out perfectly with everyone will happy in the end. But if we strive to approach discussing problems in the best possible way, there is a high percentage the interaction will go well, and everyone will benefit!

Here’s what we can do to set ourselves up for hard conversation success:

1. First of all, be genuine when you approach someone. Let them know that things are about to get real! You might even ask up front, “Can we talk for a little bit? I have something really important I need to share with you.” When you sit down to talk, you could say, “This is hard for me to bring up, and I’m not sure exactly how it will come out but I want to ask for your patience and grace as I try to explain how I’ve been feeling…”

2. Go into the conversation with positive intentions. Resolve to listen, hear the other side, say what you need to say and reach a good ending.

3. As you continue the conversation, keep that end goal in mind. You want to resolve this conflict in a healthy way! That means it matters how you get there and how you express yourself.

Always try to be:

  • Kind, even if you’re upset
  • Thoughtful and intentional in your word choices… words are powerful!
  • Calm while using a matter-of-fact tone of voice
  • Respectful
  • Focused on how YOU feel, not accusatory. Don’t say “You do X, or you never do Y…” Say “I feel like X, and it seems like Y to me…”
  • Genuine and true to you!

Getting things off your chest in a healthy way is a truly beautiful thing, especially as honor yourself and how you feel. Go into hard conversations seeking the best for the person you’re talking with, and for yourself. Try to stay humble. No one has all the answers or knows it all, and all of us makes mistakes.

See our new infographic on 11 Tips for Better Conflict Resolution for even more ideas. And don’t worry, this takes practice and diligence! And with your practice comes wisdom, maturity, and more successful hard conversations.

You can do it! Good luck.

11 Tips for Better Conflict Resolution

Posted on by Erin Risner

Conflict is always challenging, but there are simple practices we can adopt to ease the struggle.
For National Bullying Prevention Month, we’re talking about why conflict resolution matters, and how we’re teaching kids this endangered life skill to transform them into powerful peacemakers.

No matter your age, try these 11 tips for more positive interactions and smoother resolutions at home, at school, or at work!

conflict resolution Camp Fire

“Raise your thoughts, not your fists.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

  1. Check yourself: Do you need time for your emotions to settle? Are you hungry, tired, stressed or sick? Give yourself time to cool off and treat your triggers before going into a hard conversation.
  2. Reflect: Take time to think about what you’d really like to happen. What do you want the outcome to be? How do you want the conversation to go?
  3. Go to the source. Talk to the person (or people) you’ve got a problem with directly. Don’t just talk to others about it, or about the other person.
  4. Stick to first-person. Use “I statements” to describe the conflict. “I feel like X…”
  5. Absolutely no absolutes. Avoid words like “always” and “never.” Keep it about what is happening now and how you feel about it.
  6. Really listen. What are people really saying with their words, actions and body language? Read between the lines to gather more information.
  7. Respect. Treat them as you want to be treated. Try to stay calm, kind, and choose your words wisely.
  8. Take ownership for your part. Apologize if you need to. Usually in conflicts, we all have something we could have done better. It takes great strength and bravery to admit your part.
  9. Get perspective. Investigate other points of view besides your own. Why do they feel the way they do? Why do they think that? Try to see if from their perspective.
  10. Be creative. Work together to brainstorm win-win solutions and for a positive outcome.
  11. Reflect again. End the conversation by discussing what you learned from the conflict, the conversation, and what you can each do differently or better in the future.

Sources: Camp Fire Conflict Resolution Pilot, Camp Fire, 2017. InterACTION. Camp Fire, 2014.

Camp Fire Transforms Youth Into Powerful Peacemakers

Posted on by Erin Risner
Camp Fire Orca in Tacoma, Washington.

Can you feel it? In the past several years, our culture seems to have hit new highs…or lows…when it comes to division, hostility, and opposition.

While we see constant conflict take its toll globally, we also know how interpersonal problems can do serious damage in our kids’ and teens’ lives. From bullying to academic trouble to depression, conflict on a micro-scale quickly causes big problems.

That’s why Camp Fire has been working on a comprehensive Conflict Resolution curriculum, launching nationwide in early 2018. It began in partnership with the University of Kansas School of Social Work in 2011. Working with 11 underserved schools in the Kansas City district, Camp Fire Heartland collaborated with educators, counselors, kids, and parents to develop super-useable conflict resolution tools. The response has been overwhelmingly positive.

The curriculum helps kids build their peacemaking skills on individual, interpersonal and community levels. The program is tailored for three age groups (K-1st grade, 2nd-3rd grade and 4th-6th grade). The curriculum is split into a series of 45 to 60-minute modules (on topics like communication styles, negotiation and respect) that work in both camp and classroom settings.

Kayla Neal teaches Conflict Resolution to kids at summer camp in Kansas City, MO (July 2017).

Kayla Neal, Assistant Program Manager at Camp Fire Heartland, taught all three age categories Conflict Resolution at day camp this summer and is now teaching the program in the Kansas City school district.

“The program gives them a clear outlet to talk about their feelings,” Kayla says. “It helps them ask, ‘What is making me feel that emotion?’ It gives them a way to think differently and think collectively as a group.”

Kayla says most kids can tell you if they are mad, happy or sad. But learning to differentiate between more complex emotions—frustration, anxiety, disappointment—can help them manage and communicate their feelings better.

Youth at Camp Fire Orca in Washington State play tug-of-war.

“Being able to identify the emotion—it starts there,” Kayla says. “Then they can figure out what’s really going on.”

For example, Kayla says, if a youth can differentiate between being mad and being anxious, they can also identify the cause of that anxiety, and what they can do about it. “If I’m feeling a little anxiety about a test, then I can ask myself what I can do to help with that anxiety: study, get some rest.”

The program helps kids manage their feelings and also communicate their emotions to others more effectively. That emotional intelligence can help mitigate childhood conflicts, especially intense ones like bullying.

As part of Camp Fire’s Thrive{ology} approach, the conflict resolution curriculum has already had an impact. When we measure kids’ belief in their ability to talk to someone they were “mad at” before taking part in Camp Fire’s programming, they rate their confidence much lower than other life skills. But early studies show that kids are self-reporting big leaps in their conflict-resolution confidence after a spring and summer of Camp Fire fun.

According to Camp Fire National Headquarter’s Program Consultant Nikki Roe Cropp, out of all the ‘Thriving Indicators’ we measure in youth, the skills they learn in Conflict Resolution has shown the greatest growth. This research makes it all the more exciting to be able to launch our tested Conflict Resolution curricula to the other 55 Camp Fire councils in the New Year.

Conflict resolution skills are endangered and transformative. Thanks for your support as we equip more youth to be proactive and learn to handle conflict in a healthy way! It’s a beautiful thing, and everyone wins.

Photo from Camp Fire Seattle, taken by Jenny Gawf

Find your local council and see if they will have this program available, or ask what other awesome programs they have going on!

An Open Letter to America’s Youth from Camp Fire

Posted on by Erin Risner

This article originally appeared on Huffington Post.

I am writing you today because we desperately need your help. Adults need you to step up and be our role models. We need you to show the country how to treat people with kindness and respect.

I know what you’re thinking, “I’m just a kid. What can I do? Adults won’t listen to me.”

That’s why Camp Fire is reaching out to you. You ARE a role model, and this is where it matters.

Camp Fire works with young people in small towns and big cities across the country. Kids as young as five-years-old all the way up through high school. When we work with you we see amazing things happen! We admire how you respect the right of other people to be different from you, how you welcome them. You “get it”, meaning you know you don’t yell at people or make them feel stupid just because they don’t agree with you. You show compassion for others…READ THE FULL LETTER.

15 Questions to Spark a Sparks Conversation

Posted on by Erin Risner

Thirty-eight percent of kids don’t know what their spark is. They haven’t yet discovered what gets them excited, pushes them to learn and gives them purpose.

We know that sparks are the first step to thriving—to creating a healthy, purposeful life. What can help kids find their spark?

We can. But research shows that adults don’t always know it’s important to be spark-proactive. Only 55 percent of kids say they get support for their sparks from adults.

Adults are critical in kids’ sparks journeys. Not because we can assign passions to sparkless kids. But because we can get kids thinking and talking about sparks. We can earn their trust, start conversations and name the sparks we see come alive.

Adam Kisler, Camp Fire Heartland’s program manager, says it’s important to have sparks conversations in the context of a solid relationship.

Adam Kisler leading kids in an activity at Camp Maple Woods summer day camp on July 13, 2017.
Adam Kisler leading kids in an activity at Camp Maple Woods summer day camp on July 13, 2017.

“We want kids to know we’re not just one more person in their life who is going to tell them what to do.” Kisler says. “We want them to know people care about them and we’re not going anywhere.”

Building trust takes time, and good conversations take attention. Kisler says adults need to be careful not to talk too much. We can easily drown out a kid’s own passion by talking too much about our own! Remember to get down on their level—literally sit, bend or crouch down—and make good eye contact.

Once you’ve built up a solid foundation of trust, you’ve earned the right to start talking about sparks.

“Sparks questions are only as good as the atmosphere and trust we build around these kids,” Kisler says.

But sometimes we just don’t know what to say to spark the spark, you know?

Kisler likes to get kids started with questions that are really easy for kids to answer. Over time, Kisler and his Camp Fire staff build on those initial conversations by exposing kids to all kinds of possible sparks…and see what clicks.

  • What are your hobbies?
  • What do you like to watch on TV?
  • What’s been the most exciting part of your summer so far?
  • What did you do this weekend?
  • What do you enjoy about that [hobby, show, thing you did]?
  • Why do you think you enjoyed it?


If you have a close relationship with a kid who digs deep conversations, try Thrive Foundation for Youth’s suggestions. These questions start simple and get more complex:

Once sparks have become a common conversation topic, you can ask kids how you can help with their spark development. Try these questions from Dr. Peter L. Benson’s influential TED talk on sparks.

  • What gives you joy when you do it?
  • What interests or subjects are you really passionate about?
  • What difference does what you do make to the world around you?
  • Why is who you are and what you do important to you and the world beyond you?

Don’t forget: We’re in these sparks conversations together! Kids need more than just family members invested in their sparks. In Dr. Benson’s TEDx talk, he reminds us that kids with at least three grown-up Spark Champions just do better than those without adult support.

  • What is your spark?
  • Who knows it?
  • How can I help?
  • Where do you express it?
  • What gets in the way?

That’s where Camp Fire comes in. We train our staff and volunteers to support kids’ passions. And our programs are designed connect kids and teens to their next Spark Champion. Find your Camp Fire, find your spark!

Living Life with Forward Momentum: One College Senior’s Key to Success

Posted on by Erin Risner

When a book on growth mindset becomes a young man’s go-to college companion — one he shared with his roommate who was struggling with challenging life decisions — it’s clear that tenacity and courage (the cornerstones of a growth mindset) have sunk in, and sunk in deep.

In conversation with Jakob D., a Camp Fire alumni and college senior, he shared how Camp Fire first introduced him to Carol Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

“I learned to never give up, to always keep trying. I never doubted a solution would eventually come to me. And I trusted that though the solution may not be perfect, there’s often perfection in the imperfection,” Jakob articulated.

Jakob has learned what many adults still struggle to master. “I relax in the moment,” he shared. “I find happiness and joy in the simple things. I take pride in my work.”

Jakob recounts his experience as a Camp Fire camp counselor as work he was especially proud of. When the youth he was working with were particularly frustrated, he had them approach the problem without speaking. “Though it took more time, the kids learned that slowing down is actually a good thing. It made them focus. They learned to be more deliberate, using hand signals to communicate between them. And they solved the problem.”

Though Jakob said he would have loved to have taken credit for the idea of adopting silence to work through a group challenge, he deferred to Camp Fire. “I learned the idea from my elders,” he said.

Jakob concludes by circling back to a growth mindset. He is convinced that what he learned from Camp Fire has been the underpinning of living his life with forward momentum.

“I keep trying to learn new skill sets. I don’t get stuck,” Jakob states emphatically. And when he does? He refers back to his book. “It always helps,” he concludes.

Jakob is set to graduate in December 2017 with a major in computer science. We are inspired by Jakob’s story and can’t wait to see where he goes next!

Watch Carol Dweck’s TED TALK on The Power of Believing You Can Improve to see in action what Jakob is putting in action, and why it’s pillar of all of Camp Fire’s programs.

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